Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
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