When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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