dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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