I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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