I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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