I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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