Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
