everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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