Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
