I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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