she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
