I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
