He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
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