You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
