I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
