I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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