I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
