i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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