First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
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