Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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