dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
