3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
