First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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