I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
