and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Michael Bay diarrhea
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
