I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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