it's too hot outside to masturbate.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
