i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
He shit in the fireplace
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
