Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
