i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
