happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Randomize
