I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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