He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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