My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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