If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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