I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i think i have herpe
just one?
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
