She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
