I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
