I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
