She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
There r osticjed everywhere
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
where are my pants?
in the oven.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
