Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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