so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
