Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
