She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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