So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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