You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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