I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Randomize
