haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
