"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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