You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I think your dad took our porno
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
